Seven Years

Shadows flooded the forest ground, dancing, taunting, laughing it seemed. Leaves crunched under our weight, the trees stayed still in the eerie absence of wind. My hand felt wet, that’s when I noticed the blood. I reached out trying to touch any surface, maybe they would see it, maybe it would help them find me. My heart was beating fast, my breathing was in short bursts, my vision was beginning to blur. I reached out one more time and rubbed as much of the dark crimson liquid on the nearest tree. Surely they’ll see the path we took. Littered with broken leaves and blood. That was my last thought before it all became too much. My feet stopped moving, I was told to keep moving but I couldn’t, how could this happen to me? Why did this happen to me?

I jolted awake thinking how awful that dream was until it all too soon became clear that it was no dream at all and reality’s cold hand wrapped around me and fear seeped back in. My eyes began adjusting to the darkness around me, I was underground it seemed, in a cave maybe. A rope around my ankle and a tray of bread and water were the closest things I could see. I had no appetite and the rope wouldn’t come undone. I tried to focus on my surroundings, maybe I could find something to help cut the rope free. I slowly got up, my head spinning and heart pounding and I took my first step, gripping the rope and steadying myself I began following it. The further I walked what I was tied to became apparent. The dark outline of a person sat, silently facing me. I couldn’t quite make out the features in the dark but I watched them move an arm and heard the sound of a blade coming out of a pocket knife.

Adrenaline was building and I my mind began racing, the arm began moving towards me, I turned to run, knowing it was hopeless, that I was tethered to this monster. The rope was pulled, hard, and I fell. I grabbed at the cold, hard ground but I couldn’t find anything to grip onto. I felt my stomach burn where the floor was cutting into my skin. A cold hand wrapped a hand around my ankle sending shivers up my spine. I screamed and I screamed, asking why and for anyone, just someone to help. As quickly as the hand was placed on my ankle it was gone and cold air hit where the rope once was. I took no time to wonder what was going on and ran. I had no idea what I was doing, or where I was going or what would happen but I ran and I ran and I ran.

I ran until it felt like my lungs were going to bust open and I stood, catching my breath and trying to listen, trying to gain any idea of how to get out of this. I thought I’d imagined it at first, I thought that my need to feel something other than fear and despair and want to be safe was playing tricks on me. But then I heard it louder this time, and closer, I heard people running, I was frozen in place, I didn’t know that to do, what if it was a trick? Let me go, give me hope, then inject absolute terror back into my bloodstream. A beam of light crossed my face and I ducked down but it came right back to my face, blinding me. I covered my face and tried to run back away, more people came around the corner, flashlights in hand, all pointing at me. I was so adjusted to the dark I wasn’t able to see anything beyond the lights. I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, not cold and menacing like my captor but soft, and caring. I looked up, I saw my neighbor standing there and behind him two police officers.

My neighbor picked me up, I buried my head in his shoulder, tears pouring out of my eyes as relief flooded over me. I held on as we were guided out into the woods. I looked at a tree near the entrance of the cave that had been marked and saw my blood smeared across it. I smiled to myself, I was right, it did help them find me. I heard people yelling and talking, once we were out of the woods camera flashes were all around me and I was put on a stretcher and loaded into an ambulance. My parents pushed through the crowd and passed the barriers yelling that that was their daughter. They came into the ambulance and held me and cried. The EMT came into my vision and put his hand on my ankle. My heart stopped, I kicked back at him and screamed and yelled saying that it was him, he was the one who took me, I thrashed around and hit at him. Soon I began losing consciousness as I was given a sedative.

I woke to a bright hospital room, stitches in my arm and bandages in random spots on my body. His face imprinted, permanently in my mind. I could still feel his hand, but when I looked. only a bandage was there. My mom walked in along with my dad and a few police officers who began asking me what happened. I told them everything I knew, which was putting my blood on the tree to now. The last thing I remember was I had been outside enjoying the nice weather by going for a walk. I told them everything and they asked me about the EMT and I told them it was him that had taken me. I  guess they had already talked to him because he had an alibi and there was no way it was him. But I knew better. I knew it was him.

Its been seven years since then. Seven years of nightmares and seven years of them not finding who it was. Seven years of me seeing him. Seeing him everywhere I go, a few isles away at the store, across the street from my house, in the parking lot of my children’s daycare. Seven years and he is still free. And I, well I am still his prisoner.



This was inspired by a headline in the paper titled MANHUNT

Who Knows

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since. He said to me that if my dreams didn’t scare me, they weren’t big enough. The second he spoke those words I had a bittersweet relationship with them. At first I thought of how true that may be, and in a way it is, I like my dreams to push my boundaries and take me from my comfort zone that I have become so, well, comfortable in.

When he said that, I looked at the future that seemed logical, that seemed safe. Get a nursing degree and get a job as a nurse. Nurses are needed, people won’t stop getting hurt or sick. My mother had done the same thing, later in life when I was old enough to understand that she was going to college and that as long as I study I will be okay. But Then I realized that dream didn’t scare me at all, it didn’t give me nervous butterflies, it didn’t make me wonder what the future has to hold. But it made me feel safe. Isn’t that what the future is supposed to feel like? Safe?

But then I began to think, will being a nurse really fulfill my need for a passionate and colorful life? One with new people all of the time, one where I get to see things you only read about. Would I live my life and soon be forgotten by those other than my family? I think I would. I want to be remembered. I want to make people feel and think, I want to inspire and induce hope in people’s lives because God knows I could have used some.

Then I had a teacher say to me do what I want and screw what other people say, make yourself happy, no one is living your life except you so make it good. I can never repay that teacher for those words of wisdom. Right there in that classroom, my mind began a storm of thoughts and I realized that to live a life that will make me happy I had to see the world, I had to feel what the universe had to offer. I decided I’d take my camera along with me and I’d show people what they’re missing and inspire them to do more.

I skipped college and went on to capture the world with my camera and paint with the light of the sky and make a difference. I had gone through a hard time back in Texas where I grew up but now I was on my own. I was chasing the beauty and the laughter and the despair and love that this world has to offer. I was chasing it and I was engulfed with passion and with emotion and I realized that I made it, I made my life how I wanted it. I’ve seen the world and I’ve seen the people and I met someone wonderful. I have a life with them and I have a new life growing inside of me.Who knows where I’ll end up a few months from now Maybe I will go to Paris. Who knows? But I’ll sure as hell never go back to Texas again.

“In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.” -The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

This first sentence us from The Great Gatsby. This book is about a guy who moves to the city in a small house right next to a huge mansion. When the neighbors meet, the man in the mansion is revealed as Gatsby. Gatsby is known for the wild parties he throws that later we find out are ways he’s tried to lure his long lost lover Daisy back to him. By coincidence Gatsby’s new neighbor happens to be related to Daisy. Thus begins the story of Gatsby, Daisy, Daisy’s husband and the main character.

I have already this book last year and I liked it, but I think maybe there was so much hype around it with the movie coming out and everything that it had my expectations a little too high. I might read it again but it’s definitely not my favorite at all. I’m not a fan of the ending which could have been prevented.

“Maybe I will go to Paris. Who knows? But I’ll sure as hell never go back to Texas again.”

-The Final Country by James Crumley

The last sentence I chose is from The Final Country. This book is about Milo, he lives in Texas and is bored with his life, and not doing great with his relationship. Milo runs a tavern that cleans dirty money. Milo was tired of what his life was and he wanted change. That’s when he bumps into a tall man who has just killed a drug dealer. Now Texas is attempting to find the killer and Milo is thrown into a world of money, and crime.

I would probably read this book, it sounds fast pace and interesting. I like the idea behind it and want to know what happens to Milo and the killer. This book sounds like it could be really interesting to read. I like books about crime and mystery to keep you on the edge of your seat.

Memorable Passage

      "Ski. Sled. Play basketball. Jog. Run. Run. Run. Run home. Run home and enjoy. Enjoy. Take these verbs and enjoy them. They're yours, Craig. You deserve them because you chose them. You could have left them all behind but you chose to stay here.
        So now live for real, Craig. Live. Live. Live. Live. Live."
                     - It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini

I would like to put the entire book on this post. Narrowing down my favorite quote from it was so very hard. This entire book speaks to me and is memorable. This passage is the one I chose because if I could only read one part of the book again it would be that one. It isn't a perfect ending where everyone get's what they want. Though it may seem that way. Craig is happy at the end of the book, but as he talks about shifts in the book there is no way of telling if this was a fake shift or a real one. There is no way to tell because that is just how it is. That's how it is in real life and this book is wake up call to real life. There is no fantasy world in here, it's life written down. This passage was a reminder that I need to live, and not just exist. I need to see and to feel and to love and learn and lose. I'm just a kid. Therefore I need more time. I haven't looked around the corner yet. I haven't even walked down the hall. So what I might see could just surprise me. What I might see could be what I've been looking for. Craig is reminding himself of all the things he can see or do, all the things there are in this world, and he realizes that he needs to live for real, he needs to breath it all in, he needs to do more than just exist. He needs to live.

Awhile back I used some pictures I had taken for a project in Mr. DeClue's class and I really enjoyed it so I made more. Some are from junior year and some are from this year. 





I love music and these are just a few of my favorites:

"Don't stop imagining, the day that you do, is the day that you die." -17 by Youth Lagoon

"love puts forth a hand to hold, while blood walks out, runs far too cold to love." -Love by Seahaven

"I am the ocean, I am the see, there is a world inside of me." -Crucify Me by Bring Me The Horizon

"Take all I am, tear me into pieces, deconstruct my bones and tell me you still don't know who I am"
-What Did You Expect by Neck Deep

"I miss the old you, the one I used to talk to" -Mt. Diablo by The Story So Far

"Growing old feels like your giving up your soul, and I'd rather give it freely to the ones that I call home." -Growing Up by Monsters Calling Home

"Remember the moment you know exactly where you're going,
'Cause the next moment, before you know it,
Time is slowing and it's frozen still,
And the window sill looks really nice, right?
You think twice about your life, it probably happens at night,
Right? Fight it, take the pain, ignite it,
Tie a noose around your mind loose enough to breathe fine and tie it,
To a tree, tell it, "You belong to me,
This ain't a noose, this is a leash,
And I have news for you, you must obey me.""
-Holding Onto You by twenty one pilots

Writers as Readers

When I read the two genres that interest the most are fantasy/adventure and young adult fiction. I think I’m drawn to fantasy and adventure books because they take you to this whole new world and you get to create it in your mind. It’s an escape from the real world to me. I love how the imaginations of people can run wild and how the words on the page are impossible in reality but in the book they are normal, they are sane, and they are an escape. I like young adult fiction because it’s very easy to find a book that is relatable in some way. Those books remind me that I am just a teenager and I need to calm down and remember I have my entire life ahead of me and to stop growing up too quickly. I like how they can be simple yet intriguing and how you develop a relationship with the characters, and you want to know what happens next.

One of my memories connected with reading would not be a great memory but, I learned a lot when I was reading It’s Kind of a Funny Story. A lot was going on in my life when I was reading it, and it was recommended to me by someone that is no longer a part of my life and how our friendship ended was similar to events in the book. It taught me a lot about how I was feeling and I remember reading it and thinking to myself that Craig from the book and I could be friends in real life because we have many similarities. I remember being taught by that book that everything is going to end up okay and that I need to breath, and I did, and everything was okay.

The first book I remember reading that had significance to me was Winnie has Wings. That book is relatively sad considering it’s about a young boy and how he and  his younger sister get hit by a truck and he survives but his sister does not. The story is hopeful and amazing. My fourth grade teacher read it to the class and I loved it. It was the first book that taught me that I liked to read. It taught me that there are new worlds in each book that is written. After we read it as a class, I took it home and read it again to myself and many times after that. That was the book that sparked my love for reading and I will never forget it.

When I am writing, I always imagine a teacher reading what I write to a class. I think that maybe I imagine that because I want to know the reactions of each student and the questions the teacher would ask them about what they have read. Sure, I’m making up all of the ways that the readers I made up think about my writing, but it helps me think.  

I would love to write a book, I have started a few books but they never end up finished. I love writing and would love to share it in a book but to that I would need more time and motivation, which I don’t have a lot of. I’m hoping that when I’m finished with school and live a little more and see the world for myself that I can find more time to write a book. It would either be fantasy/adventure or young adult fiction. I’d like to make readers fall in love with the story and characters and make their hearts race in suspense and make them laugh. I like those qualities in a book and want to write one like that.

I know why the road makes me feel free

I know why the road with the little yellow lines makes me feel free
I know the late night drives help me breath.
I don't know why,
sunsets in the fields near by leave me with a strange feeling.
Nostalgia, I think is what I feel
Reminding me of all the drives,
lulling me to sleep.
I dream of tomorrows, with promising skies
tomorrows taking me away
taking me to a new day.

Maya Angelou

I like talking. I’m shy at first but once I feel comfortable, I will talk your ears off. I will talk about just about anything, leaving no room for uncomfortable small talk. But the thing is, I don’t like talking about the bad things, because to me it’s almost like admitting defeat. I’m taking them from my the corner they were tucked away in my mind in and setting them free into the world. Because the second I do that, then I've given those thoughts or dreams that have been bothering me or keeping me down power. I've given the words permission to take charge. I agree with Maya Angelou in saying that she doesn't like to talk about her bad dreams because it gives them too much power.

Telling yourself that the words are meaningless in your mind is one thing, but when you say them out loud, each time the power the words hold grows. And the more it will bother you. I don’t like bad dreams or things that have happened to me so I don’t enjoy talking about them. But talking about problems or bad things in the world is a different situation. Talking about the bad that’s in the world is relatively easy because I’, giving the words I use power to show others that bad things are happening. Words and dreams when you’re sleeping or awake are powerful things. And speaking of them helps that power grow.

Maya Angelou is a large source of inspiration for me and has been since I was in elementary school when I did a project about her. In her process of getting focused to write she occupies her “small mind” with a deck of cards to play solitaire. I occupy my mind with doodling, just moving my hand on paper with my pen in random shapes and designs. Most of the time they are thrown in the trash but sometimes I keep going and finish the drawing while taking breaks to write. I like to do this while I listen to music and pull inspiration from the lyrics or sound.

I get distracted quite a bit. It’s not something I mean to do, but it happens. I try to stay focused but that

I like talking. I’m shy at first but once I feel comfortable, I will talk your ears off. I will talk about just about anything, leaving no room for uncomfortable small talk. But the thing is, I don’t like talking about the bad things, because to me it’s almost like admitting defeat. I’m taking them from my the corner they were tucked away in my mind in and setting them free into the world. Because the second I do that, then I've given those thoughts or dreams that have been bothering me or keeping me down power. I've given the words permission to take charge. I agree with Maya Angelou in saying that she doesn't like to talk about her bad dreams because it gives them too much power.

Telling yourself that the words are meaningless in your mind is one thing, but when you say them out loud, each time the power the words hold grows. And the more it will bother you. I don’t like bad dreams or things that have happened to me so I don’t enjoy talking about them. But talking about problems or bad things in the world is a different situation. Talking about the bad that’s in the world is relatively easy because I’, giving the words I use power to show others that bad things are happening. Words and dreams when you’re sleeping or awake are powerful things. And speaking of them helps that power grow.

Maya Angelou is a large source of inspiration for me and has been since I was in elementary school when I did a project about her. In her process of getting focused to write she occupies her “small mind” with a deck of cards to play solitaire. I occupy my mind with doodling, just moving my hand on paper with my pen in random shapes and designs. Most of the time they are thrown in the trash but sometimes I keep going and finish the drawing while taking breaks to write. I like to do this while I listen to music and pull inspiration from the lyrics or sound. I get distracted quite a bit. It’s not something I mean to do, but it happens. I try to stay focused but that doesn’t always work out. My biggest distraction for me is my phone. I hate to be the stereotypical teenager with her phone glued to her hands but I kind of am. I know when to put it down and talk to family or friends but I do have it out a majority of the time. I can talk to my friends and I can look up cool things and play games. So sometimes that stuff distracts me. I also stare off into space and think about random things a lot. I love writing and do it quite a bit, but like everyone, I get distracted. That’s why drawing helps calm my mind down and lets me write and distract me from my distractions if that makes sense. always work out. My biggest distraction for me is my phone. I hate to be the stereotypical teenager with her phone glued to her hands but I kind of am. I know when to put it down and talk to family or friends but I do have it out a majority of the time. I can talk to my friends and I can look up cool things and play games. So sometimes that stuff distracts me. I also stare off into space and think about random things a lot. I love writing and do it quite a bit, but like everyone, I get distracted. That’s why drawing helps calm my mind down and lets me write and distract me from my distractions if that makes sense.

If I Were in Charge of the World

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel early mornings,
mental illness,
cancer, and also
poverty

If I were in charge of the world
there'd be no wars,
no crazy college fees, and
more equality.

If I was in charge of the world
you wouldn't have sadness.
You wouldn't have heartbreak.
You wouldn't have homework or tests.
Or days that should have been a snow day but weren't.
You wouldn't even have to go if it snowed at all.

 If I was in charge of the world
a box full of different kinds of chocolate
would be a vegetable.
All endings would be happy.
And a person who sometimes forgot assignments
and sometimes forgot to call
would still be allowed to be
in charge of the world.

Dreams

Dreams are something that I enjoy looking into and learning about. I like knowing what they may mean and why I’m having them. I tend to have a lot of the same dreams or dreams with similar events. I do believe that you can lucid dream as I have done so before. It’s one of the most strange experiences I've been through and it’s happened many times. Normally I’m dreaming of something really weird or impossible in real life and then I think, how is this possible? That’s when I realize that I’m dreaming, most times that’s when I wake up because I've become aware of the fact that I’m asleep. But every once in awhile I stay asleep and am able to do whatever I like. Normally this is flying or breathing under water in the ocean. I've only actually stayed asleep around three times.

I do think that dreams have a deeper meaning or are symbolic to something happening in your life. I look up what dreams mean online and in books. One that I had quite a bit over summer was that I pregnant, I found that it meant that I was ready for a new chapter in my life, that I was ready for change. And I most definitely was ready for a change and something new. I also had a dream I was teaching my friend how how to smoke out of a bong which was actually a perfume bottle and then I turned away and when I turned back it wasn't my friend. It was my little first grade brother. I had a dream that I had taught my little brother how to smoke out of a bong. I feel that dream means I’m scared of being a bad influence or someone that isn't good to look up to. I had a really big part in raising my brother since I’m so much older than him and I really want him to have a good role model.

Dreams are strange and funny and scary and I love looking into them and finding out what they may mean or interpreting them for myself. I've had many strange dreams one of which my father took about twenty cats shark hunting and I would truly love to know what that one could mean. I like to write them down so I don’t forget them, otherwise I slowly lose memory of them as the day goes on until I either have a hint of what it was about but can’t express it into words or I don’t remember at all. I wish we could remember every detail or had a way to save them and watch them later.